I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
