Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
then he tried to convert me to islam
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
