It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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