May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
