I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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