I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
