My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
