you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
