Yo dont text me then not text me
someone owes me an orgasm
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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