the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
