My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
