Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
