R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
