3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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