We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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