dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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