saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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