Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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