WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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