my phone needs a breathalizer
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize