we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
