So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
