I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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