You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He's on the porch naked. Help.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
