my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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