the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
