in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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