our cab driver is having phone sex.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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