JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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