it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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