you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize