So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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