just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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