Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize