her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
