Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
