From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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