Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
