I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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