Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
