my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize