at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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