I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
