she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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