You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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