I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
