if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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