Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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