So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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