I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
