my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize