Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think my fart just growled at me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Randomize
