I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
