Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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