Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
